Post #5: The Staff Canteen

I was in the canteen the other morning, because I fancied some toast. “Two granary, please,” I said to the toaster operator. “Butter?” he asked, once the toast had plopped out, toasted. “Please,” I said.

Not everyone is as undemanding. I’ve stood in the queue for toast and heard the most unlikely specifications. When the toaster operator asks: “Butter?”, instead of a simple yes or no, some people say “LIGHTLY buttered,” with a sharp emphasis on the “lightly”, as though a heavy smattering of butter would ruin not only their morning but possibly their entire life. But my favourite is when the toaster operator asks: “Butter?” and the person replies “Yes, right to the edge.” Granted, a dry, unyielding crust is not the most pleasant part of a piece of toast, but really. Why put the poor toaster operator, who probably thinks all people who work on newspapers are a bunch of w***ers anyway, in such a testing position? Even in the comfort of your own kitchen, with your favourite knife, buttering your toast right to the edge takes concentration and dexterity. For a toaster operator forced into buttering hundreds – possibly thousands – of slices of toast every morning, asking him to do so is taking the piss.

Of course, some members of Associated Newspapers are such control freaks that they can’t even entertain the thought of anyone else toasting their toast. To this end, another toaster is situated on a separate worktop, with loaves of bread (white, brown and granary) that you can toast yourself, to whatever specifications you demand. Most importantly, there is also a large bowl of butter for you to spread according to whim.

If toast isn’t your thing and you fancy a muffin or a bagel, it isn’t a problem. Editions (for that is the canteen’s name) provides them all. Currently for breakfast, I favour a plain bagel, toasted, sliced in half, buttered (however the toaster operator prefers) and then one half lightly coated with Marmite, the other with crunchy peanut butter. This I set off with a cup of tea. Having worked my way through the whole of the Twinings range during my seven year tenure at the Standard, I have permanently rejected Assam in favour of Traditional English. English Breakfast is, I feel, too strong for a morning, and Earl Grey too lemony. To me, Earl Grey has always been more of an afternoon tea, as I’m sure a lot of people would agree.